Is it me you’re looking for?

Hey guys, betcha forgot I write a blog huh?

It looks like twice a month might have been a little too ambitious a schedule for me and ole blogo, so let’s just set the record straight here and now. It’s gonna happen when it happens and if you set your expectations SUPER low, you’ll just be pleasantly surprised when I actually do deliver. Kinda like laughing at an Amy Schumer joke.

The paradox of this particular blog, which you’re probably reading because you saw a post on social media, is I actually had time to write it only because I recently declared a hiatus from both Facebook and Instagram that is leaving me with more free time than I was prepared for, so I broke my self imposed rule for a quick sec to shout this from the digital rooftops and now I’m back on my break chillin in the real world.

Ok, on to the blog meat! 

Life has been busy AF because that’s what life likes to be, but it’s also been a blast. Dave and I went on our first two trips together sans baby and I’m not gonna lie, they were flippin’ FANTASTIC. Sure sure, I missed the lil’ booger and creepily starred at every baby we encountered that was even remotely close to her in age. Telling their parents “NO NO IT’S OK, I JUST WANT TO HUG HER!” did not immediately make things less weird either.

Prior to baby, Dave and I used to travel pretty regularly together. We’ve been to Hawaii, Mexico, London, Boston, San Francisco, Nashville, New Orleans, a bunch of other southern cities and Vegas more times than I can (literally) remember, just to name a few. And yet, each time we go anywhere I find new ways to surprise him with how inefficiently I can pack.

My packing process starts somewhere around a week before when I begin THE LIST. Basically I write down anything a human being could possibly need in the span of 5-7 days. Such items range in rationality from sun hat to food scale. I dunno, maybe I’ll need to weigh stuff.

There are also those items we ALL pack for every single trip and never use. The “Beach Books” for example. Lets ignore the fact that I haven’t read “A” book from cover to cover in at least the past 5 years, but suuuure, I’m totally going to mow through not one, but MULTIPLE novels during my beach time. Keep the dream alive, Linds.

For some unknown reason I’m also resigned to always pack “THE JOURNAL” for each trip I go on. It doesn’t just get tossed into the suitcase though, oh no, it gets VIP placement in the carry-on because ya know, maybe I’ll have thoughts at the airport.

In truth I’m going to spend $50 on glossy rags and diet cokes at the first newsstand I see and those thoughts will quickly become consumed with how Meghan Markle is adjusting to the crown.

Not well btw if OK magazine is, in fact, a reliable source.

It does take about a full week to compile THE LIST and then the weekend before we depart is reserved for the buying of “mini things.” I have no idea what it is about mini toiletries that makes them so compelling, but those little bottles are straight up CRACK. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never once in my life used Vaseline in tub form. They sell it in the mini section, so you better believe it’s going wheels up with me.

I’ve got the compiling lists and buying stuff part of packing down to a science and I’m damn good at it. It’s the actual putting of said stuff into a wheeling travel devise where I fall flat. Some people consider waiting until the night before a trip to pack procrastinating.

Amateurs.

Not me. I am packing right up until the minute the Uber rolls up. In fact, I’m asking the Uber driver to please hold some hangers while I decide which 4 of the 5 black dresses I own are going to make the journey.

Spoiler alert: it’s all of them.

My packing routine is less of an exercise in decision making and more of a grab-my-entire-closet-and-stuff-into-a-suitcase method. Sometime back in 2016 I bought what I like to call the Purple Wonder. She’s basically a studio apartment disguised as an eggplant colored suitcase and this B goes everywhere with me. She can fit the equivalent of a walk-in closet or high school football team, depending upon your travel needs and I LOVE her.

However, in an effort to suck the maximum amount of joy from traveling, the airlines have put a 50lb weight limit on checked bags. This does not bode well for ole P-Wonder, so recently I’ve had to purchase her a sidekick – Lil’ Eggplant Carry-on (say it fast, you’ll get it.) Eggplant is designed to hold all the spillover from P-Wonder and it’s a solid system. Like Batman and Robin, but less sexual tension.

If Dave had it his way, we’d be arriving to the airport for a Sunday AM flight the previous Tuesday. In my world, however, the whole hurry up and wait thing isn’t really appealing so you can see where we’d have trouble. In my defense, we have never missed a flight, but I do continually refuse to check in early, which always places me somewhere in boarding group Z-27 and I step on the plane at a leisurely pace with the last of the airline snack supplies and that sweaty guy who just hightailed it from the opposite terminal while clutching a McDonald’s bag in each of his meat mits.

Our two recent trips included a wedding in Puerto Rico in February and in April I had to travel to Calgary to direct a photoshoot so Dave tagged along to sightsee. On the latter trip, my flight was cancelled and while I was still able to get to Calgary that day, the P-Wonder and Lil Eggplant (who I’d checked bc I could expense the fee so why the hell not?) got on a different plane and went on a sightseeing tour of DC instead. So I arrived in Calgary after a ten hour delay with nothing.

It’s a very weird feeling arriving in a foreign country after midnight with not even a toothbrush or change of underwear. I felt oddly vulnerable like if a were somehow under attack by one of the local Canadian beasts… maybe a moose? I wouldn’t have any of the means necessary to defend myself and the Calgary Mounties would find my lifeless frozen body wearing underwear that had been worn for over 24 hours AND on a plane, which is like expedited dog years for underwear wearage.

Lucklily when the sun rose the next day, the local Walmart HOOKED ME UP with some of its finest duds. And I blended in seamlessly with the other Canadian folks.

Dave also participated despite having access to his normal American wardrobe. When in Rome…

I am pleased to report that P-Wonder and Lil’ Eggplant arrived in Calgary a swift two days later and United has promised to reimburse me for my Walmart shopping spree just as soon as they land a plane on Mars.

I’ll be using the money they send to purchase a third member of my luggage family that I can promise will be large, loud and highly impractical.

But maybe in pink.